Now I know

Feb. 13th, 2015 09:37 pm
mortedansleau: (grantgus)
[personal profile] mortedansleau
I guess I said it already but it must have been too soon.

I mean I can now realize how much of a silent loner I used to be.
I went to school but the only thing I looked forward to was talking to you, all day long, all night long. I barely talked to my friends, missed all the parties, I darted home to my computer. I wrote so much more than I spoke and all the writing was for you. I really realize it now but I build a wall, day by day, closing myself to the whole world but you.
It was just me, talking to the one I loved who understood me, just you and me. I completely gave up on the world around.

I can now say so, because my employers were able to notice the change.

I don't think it was your fault; I don't even think it was bad. I tend to call myself autistic for you know, being so lonely and so drifty. At work I just live in my own world; my friends and family barely know about me since they don't even know about you to begin with. I refuse to open that part of me to the world, because it's so precious. It's the best thing I have. I'm afraid someone will temper the memories, make it seem like it's outdated. I won't let the prescription apply to our memories.

Now I know that I should have told you how big of a deal it was to meet you after months of fingertip running from my country to yours. I thought I'd manage, I thought a lot of things and I surestimated my skills.
I am so sorry for that. My gosh I'll never stop regretting all those tiny mistakes that piled up and drove us so far apart.

On a lighter note; I'm really working my speaking to the core now.
I mean even in english.
I'm not that shy anymore. I once stood up and asked my favorite actor a question and against all odds, he understood it and answered. I'm really trying hard to improve. From us parting, I might have tried to forget, I might have lost my shit a few times, but at least I grew up. You're not with me anymore, but I keep it all alive, like a bonfire that never dies and it's always a rainy friday night and I feel closer to you than I ever were.

I want to go visit those places you wrote about; I will go and take those pictures for myself before I wave Europe bye bye.
But honestly, I know it will end the dance and I don't want it to. I will always need you my Little Apple.

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